U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
