if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
