I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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