I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
