she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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