I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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