No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
