Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
