I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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