Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
