Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
