Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
