That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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