she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
