So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
