its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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