My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
