Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
