the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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