Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
