I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
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I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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