My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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