Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
50% drunk capacity currently
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
