One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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