Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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