You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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