Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I am mentally ready for anal.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
