Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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