his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
