So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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