God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
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