Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
