Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize
