Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
