When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
