I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
