I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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