How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
