I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
