so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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