my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
