i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
