Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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