Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
