I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
