I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
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If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
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my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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