so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
