Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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