He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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