I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
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worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes