Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
They have beer where we have blood.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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