She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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