I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
