respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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