I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
