I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
