I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
