fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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