Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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