So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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