After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
